A friend shared her website with me (see above) and I certainly was surprised. Not only by the name of the site, but how hard it was to find. There are ALOT of links with that title (or slight variations of it). My genuine reaction was; how can you be tired of being nice?
The easy answer is people are "nice" to be acknowledged. Or validated. Perhaps they feel "cornered" and don't have the personal integrity to say, "no." Maybe they feel it necessary in order to be "liked." Quite possibly, they have been nice to another person many times and there isn't any reciprocity (you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours) so they become resentful. Bottom line is that being nice usually comes with an expectation of a payoff. And when a payoff isn't forthcoming, people claim they are being taken advantage of. They quickly tire of being "nice."
Understand it is perfectly acceptable to want something in return for you being nice. Just be upfront about it. Make sure the other person understands it is "tit for tat." (quid pro quo) Otherwise you are engaging in a game of appearances. See how nice I am? Aren't I a good guy? And the resentment of not being acknowledged, validated, or reciprocated builds up to YOUR DETRIMENT. You become an unhappy fellow with negative thoughts constantly circling around in your head. (I'm being used--I'm a doormat--I always do for others and never get anything in return, etc etc) You become a victim.
Know there may come a time when you hold an entirely different view of being nice. That service to others becomes a vocation. That you do nice things for others because it makes YOU feel good. That what another does (or fails to do) has no bearing on your experience of that good inside you. It is the purity (I do this for me) of your experience that allows the essence of your nature free expression. An unlimited stream of "niceness" created by the understanding, "I am you."
Goodness is great
If you're good to yourself
"Being Nice" has deep cultural meaning for women in my opinion. We are brought up to "be nice" which means don't rock the boat, don't make waves, go along, support me, nice girls don't say those things. The Tired of Being Nice blog had nothing to do with being mean or hurting others. It had everything with freedom and throwing off the cultural mandate that as a woman I had to be nice to have value. I was going to say what needed to be said, I wasn't going to 'go along' because it was the nice thing to do. If it was wrong - I was going to stand up and say so - regardless of how not-nice it was.
ReplyDeleteThe blog is also about anything that captures my attention - It could just as easily been called "Dilettante"
Could have been, but wasn't. And I was reacting not only to your blog's name, but the number of links under that heading. My reaction was one of "surprise." The words "mean or hurting others" (or even the concept!) aren't present in my post. The direction of the post is very much in keeping with "freedom and throwing off the cultural mandate that as a woman I had to be nice to have value." I say as much in other words. The main thrust of my post was the opportunity to re-orientate how one might perceive being nice. That we could view it as being for our own benefit. That we our given a chance to demonstrate the values we claim we have. Because it makes US feel good and isn't dependent on any person, place or thing to validate our experience of "goodness." If others benefit, it is a matter of "collateral benevolence," a by-product of who we are and how we choose to be. It is within these parameters, and only these parameters I questioned how anyone could ever tire of being nice.
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